A blah blah blog post

So I have a little bit of “home alone” time, and so many things that I could do, and a few that I probably should do, like walk on the treadmill (and that would also mean watching Lost from two nights ago, and it’s supposed to be an amazing episode, but yeah, I don’t think the treadmill is gonna happen tonight). But I decided to start with a blah blah blog post, because I’ve been depressed since yesterday afternoon, and I have that deep yearning inside that, when paired with a dark mood, usually means I need to do some writing. I haven’t the time or brain power to properly CRAFT anything, thus, the blah blah blog post, where I write about as many of my scattered thoughts as I can in the time allotted, in hopes that it will bring a touch more clarity and order to my head, and at the same time there’s the chance that all the typing will, very simply, make me feel better.

And so.

One reason I don’t have the luxury of time is that when Jeff and the boys come home, I will begin working with Kyle ASAP on his math. Forgive me if I already told this story, I don’t recall telling it. Some weeks ago, we found out that Kyle got one of the top four highest scores for his grade on this math assessment. The four highest-scoring kids from each grade, at each school in the district, get to participate in a math competition called SUMday — something like “Students United in Mathematics,” yes it does sound goofy but whatever. Well, SUMday is this coming Saturday, starting at 9am, and not only is Kyle in the competition, but I volunteered to be a parent helper. I just got the official word TODAY that my assignment will involve grading some of the completed tests. Yippee. Why did I sign up for this again??? Oh right, I didn’t know I’d be depressed in the days leading up to the event, which makes everything from getting out of bed to driving home from work, and pretty much everything in between, seem like a challenge. I also didn’t know I’d spend the intervening weeks looking at so many VERY DIFFICULT math problems with Kyle, and trying to help him, and heaven help me, looking through his SUMday study guide so I would know how to figure out the area of a triangle, the volume of a cube, or the sum of the interior angles of a regular nonagon, and could then impart that information to my child.

(Short aside: I’m glad I got selected for grading papers and NOT for monitoring kids who are taking the tests. I MUCH PREFER doing the grading, which could be viewed as a cousin to proofreading, which I really like, and I’m pretty good at it if I do say so myself.)

Saturday evening, incredibly, Jeff and I are going to see Patty Griffin in concert in Lawrence. Patty is amazing, my favorite singer, and I’ve been listening to her for five or six years and have never seen her live. I should totally be walking on air this whole week!!! But no, I’m stressed about math, stressed about work, depressed and feeling bad about myself, feeling so fat but not wanting to exercise… oh God the list just goes on, you get the idea. But it’s like I don’t really believe that we’re going to the concert. It’s like this wonderful fantastic thing that can’t possibly be happening to ME because I’m a lazy fat sack and my husband’s unemployed and the kids drive me crazy and I can’t get out of my own way to get anything done ever — it’s like the idea of seeing Patty live in concert is a dream, and I know I’ll wake up and just be back in my regular life where the walls are falling in on me.

Whew. I must be at a stopping point, I’m suddenly feeling wiped out. My mind has paused between topics, and my fingers want a rest. There’s more I’ve been thinking of writing about, in recent days, but those should be separate posts, IF I can get around to them after SUMday and Patty. I’ll try.