It is getting late and this must be quick. I am trying to be better about what I eat and drink, to pause and ask myself, whenever I begin thinking of something to ingest, “Is that really what I want?” and if I find the answer is “No,” or even “I’m not sure,” then I try to move my thoughts along to other things — and hopefully toward the shaky and uncertain “thing” that I really do want.
But, here is what I’ve found these past few days: family life is very chaotic, and this makes it very difficult for me to adjust my thoughts and behaviors. The boys are fighting, or annoying each other, or annoying Jeff/me/Grandma/whoever, and I find myself yelling at them — and today, even Jeff was swearing at them, specifically at Ryan at that point but Kyle has gotten his share of reprimands — but it is getting to be all too much for me. I can’t focus, I can’t get an answer to the questions “What am I really hungry for?” or “What do I truly want or need?” or “What does this feeling of emptiness mean?” It’s hard enough to focus anyway, dammit, even on a good day, but seriously, without some peace and quiet, without some quality time to read and write, I just know I’ll be saying “Screw it” and grabbing more of Grandma’s cookies or mixing up another cappuccino or heading over to Hasting’s for a Heath Mocha Frappe (The Beverage Formerly Known as the Heath Mocha Frost) or getting an iced mocha at McDonald’s or having a second helping of whatever we’re having for dinner just because it’s there or ruminating on good tasting things to put into my mouth for no other reason than “They taste so good and I’m so sick of everything, I can’t deal, I need something to brighten my day,” and eating tasty foods results in dopamine production in the brain and when my sons are saying the same annoying things twenty times in a row or asking me fifty times Can’t-you-do-this-or-that-or-fill-in-the-blank-with-whatever-my-spoiled-greedy-mind-is-wanting-now or not listening to me or outright disregarding what I say as if I were a voice on the wind, I just have to do something, and quick, to feel better.